Deeper than the surface

I'm finding out new things about myself all the time. I find out what makes me happy, what makes me sad, what makes me disappointed, what makes me close off, and what makes me open up. Although I'm FINDING myself...I haven't completely found the whole me. I don't think that self-discovery ever fully ends, but I'm okay with that.

So whats been on my mind, you may ask? So much...

To many people I come off as this gregarious, jolly, joyful gal...outgoing and even friendly. Most people wouldn't gather from a first glance that I am an introvert, but I am :-) The biggest introvert you've ever met. LoL. I have found myself shying away from social gatherings lately...almost dreading them. It takes a lot of mental/emotional energy for me to interact sometimes. I love church, but I would just DASH right out if I could to avoid actually meeting and greeting. Camp Meeting and things of that sort have become night-marish almost. While its nice to reunite with old friends, I dread the potentially awkward silences and the down time of not knowing what to say after the typical conversation. And I'm not shy...I just...I'm just withdrawn.

I rarely pick up the phone to call anyone anymore, and I notice that the fewer calls I make, the fewer calls I receive usually. I don't know if this whole anti-social thing is a phase, if its just a lack of interest in connecting, or if its really beginning to shape me at my core. I really don't want to be bound by such anxieties or anything either...life would be dreadful it it continues as is...and i can't always explain it either...sometimes I just wish I were invisible...I don't mind seeing everyone and watching them interact, but I don't want to speak up. I don't want to hug you. I don't want to tell you that I don't know what my major is. I don't want to ask you how school is. I don't want to.

Selfish? Rude? Coo-Coo Crazy? Yes...all of those. But its alright. I'm working on it. I'm working on me. And I'm not finished with me yet...

Okay. Well thats all for now! I think this blog thing is going to be great for me. So great :-)